Filled the Empty Spots in My Heart

My name is Brandi, I remember the day like it was yesterday, when I lost my mother. I had gotten in from school and I walked up the dirt road looking for my mom's car. She had promised us we would go grocery shopping that day. However, she would only take me, because she always would tell me that she could always depend on me.

I called her phone a billion times, knowing that she would pick up and say "Girl don't call me anymore, I am on the way". While waiting on her to pick me up, I had fallen asleep. I woke up about a hour later and to my surprise, she still wasnt home. So I walked outside with the phone in my hand thinking, "Maybe she just got out of class late".

That last time I called, there was no answer. I remember my cousin came outside asking me, "Byrd I heard you all momma had a wreck, is everything okay?" Shocked, I replied, "Not my mom, she on the way home now." As I walked back into the yard, I saw my grandma speeding down the dirt road. She stopped and told us, "Get in, your momma had a wreck and they say she isn't going to make it". I instantly broke down into tears. I got to the hospital, but they had announced that she had been involved in a head on collision with a big truck and she had already passed away. They informed us that she hadn't even made it to the hospital yet, she was still at the scene of the accident. In spite of the horrible news I had just received, I still held on to the hope and I just knew she was going to make it, no matter what. I went to the scene of the accident, praying that I would have the opportunity to see her face one last time, but I didn't get the chance. I didnt have a chance to say goodbye or anything. It felt like my whole world had shut down.

I had to help my father practically raise all four of my younger brothers, keep the house and our school work up to par, while still being a child myself, was definitely a challenge. My brothers would make me so angry sometimes, I would always tell my older sister that I'm not having kids. I missed my mom so much, that I had sought comfort in having so many friends. I was young, just looking for someone to fill that empty space in my heart. I always wondered why my mom had been taken away from me, but all my friends still had their mom. I sometimes wondered, "Why can't I call my mom and ask her to get our nails done together or get our hair done together?" I wanted to have a mommy and daughter day too. The day my mom passed away, my grandma told me to never question the work of God, and I held on to that advice. Year after year, I longed for someone to love me the way my mom loved me, but I never found anyone like her.

Seven years later, I found out that I was expecting a child of my own. At first I didn't know how to react, but I knew having an abortion was something I could never do. My mom loved and raised all six of her kids and I knew she would be angry with me if I didn't do the same. I knew my siblings would be ready for their nephew, but as time passed, I became so scared. I was afraid that I didn't have all the qualities of being a good mother. Although, I knew all about cooking and cleaning, I wasnt stable, and I didn't know anything about raising a baby. However, when I first held my baby boy, Labrian Robinson Jr. in my arms, it was love at first sight. He filled every empty spot in my heart and gave me a different outlook on things. I changed for the better and I wanted to be the best mom I could be. I was no longer looking for someone to love me because I had all the LOVE and support that I needed right there in front of me. He taught me how to love again and how to live again. I always wondered what my mom meant when she would tell me that when she looked at me she could see herself all over again. Now when I look at my son, I can see myself all over again. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and if I could do it all over again, I would. I just wish that you could've met your first granchild, you would've been so happy.