I'll Do It All Over Again For My Daughter

Photography By: Felecia Causey In the Summer of 2016, I went into my scheduled OBGYN appointment with intense abdominal pain and horror. After several tests I was diagnosed by my physician that there was an abnormal sized cyst on my left ovary. Following my initial surgery for the removal of my cyst, my physician once again found endometriosis spots all over my cervix. After a year of surgeries and the recovering process. My physician uttered to me that “due to how extensive my treatment plan was, my chances of having my own kids were unlikely. I was torn into pieces and felt as if my womanhood was taken from me. After a year of feeling like this a miracle had taken place and made my doctor questioned Science. On April, 14th 2018, I found out I was pregnant.

 I knew the risks and I was terribly scared. I was filled with mixed anxious and worried emotions but although all those feelings I was experiencing I somehow just knew that this baby was my miracle baby. I went in for my 1st doctor appointment and the same doctor that did my surgery in 2016 was now standing before me with confusion on how remarkable it was that I was pregnant. Furthermore, I feel complete I finally have my baby and was willing to put up a fight to have a healthy pregnancy. On my 18th week I found out even more good news. I found out I was having a GIRL and was the happiest woman on Earth! 

Then, things started to change. Halfway through my pregnancy (20 weeks), I went to my weekly check up and found out from ultrasound tech that my cervix was dilating and I should be feeling pressure but I didn't feel any of it at all. My physician had me urgently rushed to the Labor Delivery at my hospital and prepared for surgery to have a Cervix Cerclage performed to keep my baby girl in. At this point, I’m praying that the surgeons could stop my active labor in time so that my baby girl wouldn’t be born too early. Babies born at the half-way mark chances for survival rate slims down by more than half.

Recovering from surgery while pregnant was my biggest fight after all. I then had to cope with being on bed rest the rest of my pregnancy. Not being able to work, to have a normal baby shower, lunch dates with my girls, and etc. drove me into depression the rest of my pregnancy. Moreover, I then again went into labor twice after having my cerclage placed. The last time, when, I went into labor it was different and I knew my world was falling further apart.

At 7 Months pregnant, my water broke at 29 weeks with my cerclage intact and I was admitted into the hospital to be bed rested until my baby was big enough to be born. After 1 week of my physicians trying to keep me calm while in labor, I had my baby girl at 31 weeks 0 days. I was so scared and the thought of ever losing her made me sick. The NICU staff worked on my baby girl as soon as she arrived and in a matter of seconds she was out of the room and I was left feeling incomplete because I couldn't hold her. Just left with her teddy bear to cuddle with that read “ 3 pounds and 11 ounces” the same exact birth weight as mine.
   

    When I finally met Leilani, it was hours after delivery due to her being treated inside the NICU. It was the staff that informed me that it would maybe be a week before I can actually hold my baby girl. I was overly depressed about it but I knew it was for the best. Besides, I was able to take advantage of the peek holes inside of the incubator by grasping her tiny finger with mines. This was the only way I could hug & kiss my baby girl for a while. She got really sick many times there and spent nearly 3 holidays and 2 months away from me. 

    I today still get emotional about it all but I’m  more than grateful for my miracle baby for being here today. Although I can’t get those special moments back, I’ll do it all over again for my baby girl Leilani.