Giving My Kids The Love My Mom Didn't Give Me

Written By: Joyce Rudolph

Photography By: Felecia Causey

My name is Joyce Rudolph. I was born in the Bronx, NY but I was raised on the west side of Montgomery, Al during my preteen years. What brought me to Alabama was that my grandfather retired as a Superintendent of a residential building in mid-west of Manhattan. My grandparents provided stability, safety, wisdom and so much fun which are great memories that I cherish till this day. But I still didn’t see my mother. I heard good/bad things about it, but I couldn’t understand why she’s not here? What did I do wrong? Does she love me?  All I wanted was her. Those were questions and feelings I kept to myself which caused emotional and behavioral problems that almost cost my life several times.

Having the feeling of not knowing why my mother doesn’t love me caused me to go through a phase in my life to cause physical, emotional and mental damage not only to myself but to my child, grandparents, sister and dear friends. How I felt growing up without my mother made me feel abandoned and neglected. I wondered why my mom was physically and mentally able to care for a child she carried for 9 months and gave birth to. I didn’t feel good enough or unlovable. I remember always wanting and needing my mother. I felt that she left me hungry and desperate for love, approval and validation. In all of it, I sought from others. Good thing my grandfather and sister were around to make up for what she couldn’t give. But their love can only go so far as I needed my mother. I suffered in silence to where I wasn’t able to grow. Now that I am a single mother of 2 beautiful, strong, smart children Isaiah and Eden I strive for greatness. This journey isn’t easy or has instructions, but I will do all things through God who strengthens me. I have struggled for a while to have a clear sense of who  I am as a woman because of my mothers absence. God helped me realize that I have a better chance and opportunity to make a bigger difference in my kids' lives that I didn't receive from my mother. Which was love, nurturing, stability, protector, and safety. I push myself to max everyday to be my kids superhero so that they won’t EVER have to feel or go through being motherless. Now that my kids  are growing I know that they will begin to form their own opinions that may differ. But I will always want them to know that I will always and forever be here for all times  and be their pillar of strength that they can always rely on me as their mother. I go hard everyday to sacrifice many things in my life for my kids' well being.  Being a mother is the hardest but yet is the most REWARDABLE job a woman will have.